“We wouldn’t have to eat Kraft dinner . . .”

Back in the 90’s the Bare Naked Ladies sang a song called, “If I had a million dollars.” Now in 2023 we have moved the amount of money that indicates you have made it to a billion dollars.

Thurston and Lovey Howell

If I did have a billion dollars I would want to dress and act like the Howell’s from Gilligan’s Island. Even as a kid I thought, “man, those two know how to be rich.”

I would not change where I live or how I live but I would absolutely speak with and affectation and wear an ascot. I would want a pearl colored car. I would always be coming back from playing tennis. I would insist on curly straws in anything I drink. I would tell anecdotes about being rich that don’t make sense and then crack up at how hilarious I am. I would drink Fiji water. I would interject, “A penny save is a penny earned,” at really inappropriate times. I would speak in hushed tones about the poor doctor down the street. I would go into the bank and withdraw $100 in $2 bills. I would have have someone else do my taxes. I would buy a ring that covered all four of my knuckles which spelled out my name and is encrusted with jewels. I would talk about going on safari but never really go. Lastly, I would insist on a salad and dinner fork at my place setting for every meal.

Thank you for reading.

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