2023 – ¡Viva La Unresolutions!

2023, post pandemic-ish, I have a bunch of stuff I’m not going to stop doing this year.

1. Wearing yoga pants.
2. Blaming JJ Abrams for Star Trek and Star Wars.
3. Telling Lyft drivers about my “college experience.”
4. Main-lining queso.
5. Waiting for a sequel to Rollerbabies.
6. Breaking Bad.
7. Trying to bring back berets.
8. Pulling a three-hole punched ruler out of my Trapper Keeper.
9. Missing Prince. And George Michael. And MCA. And XXXTentacion. And Bushwick Bill. And Scott La Rock. And Biggie. And . . .
10. Hoping for a Negan spin-off.
11. Pretending I listen to podcasts.
12. Making non-ironic ironic transcendental existential comments at awkward moments to millennials in skinny jeans.
13. Wearing skinny jeans.
14. Translating everything into Latin on Google Translate.
15. Texting George RR Martin about the Winds of Winter. WRITE. THE. DAMN. BOOK!
16. Telling kids about Nancy Reagan.
17. Saying “NO” to drugs.
18. Eating my Double-Double, animal style.
19. Accepting awards on someone else’s behalf.
20. Judging other peoples’ “Best Life.”
21. Holding aloft a boom box when “In Your Eyes” comes on.
22. Impersonating Jack Nicholson.
23. Testing out new jokes on my shrink.
24. Lying about my age. I say I’m 50, but I’m only 49. Heh. I showed them!
25. Shadow Boxing Mike Tyson.
26. Proclaiming that I’m training for a marathon anytime I stretch anything.
27. Insisting that I am fine to drive even though I have clearly had too many tacos.
28. Pumping my fist to Miley Cyrus songs.
29. Nerd-splaining the Three Body Problem to people who don’t care.
30. Thinking Doom Patrol is the best.

Peace in 2023 people. Be good to each other. We’re all we’ve got.